Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You’re An Idiot.

Forget World Peace — Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Where There’s A Will…I Want To Be In It!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

I Have The Body Of A God ………. Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit

> Clifton

> Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.

>

> Posh turns to Becks and says: “David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!”

> to

> which Beckham replies “5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn’t.” So they

> shake

> hands on the bet and continue watching.

>

> Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.

> Beckham

> takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she

> refuses.

> “I

> can’t take your money, David,” she says. “The truth is, I was cheating.

> I

> saw the five o’clock news, so I knew he was going to jump.”

>

> “No, babe, fair’s fair” says David. “That money is yours fair and

> square. I

> was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o’clock news, too. I

> just

> didn’t think he would do it again.”

.. and one of the guys says,
“the sign says: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE”

“Well, I suppose..” whispered the man tenderly, “it was when I started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a lousy lay.”

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says “Hey, you moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign!”

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, y’all catch all them fish?” “Nope – talked ‘em into giving up. Here’s your sign!”

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it. “Okay Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… Now you need to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don’t wanna lose it.”

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn’t resist. I said, “Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign!”

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, “Darn that’s hot!” See? If he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn’t ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn’t get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning, ok no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign…until he asked “So…is your truck stuck?” I couldn’t help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said “No, I’m delivering a bridge… here’s your sign!”

Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a
wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny’s dad had a
long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He
said, “Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want
you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his
ears, or I’m really going to spank your butt when we get back
home.” “I promise not to mention his ears at all,” said Little
Johnny.

At the neighbors home Little Johnny leaned over the crib and
touched the baby’s hand. He looked at it’s mother and said, “Oh
what a beautiful little baby!” The mother, who had braced
herself for Johnny’s comment, was pleasantly surprised and said,
“Thank you very much Little Johnny.”

He then said, “This baby has perfect little hands, and perfect
little feet. Why just look at his pretty little eyes…Did the
doctor say he can see good?” The mother said a bit bewildered,
“Why yes…the doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?”
Little Johnny said, “Well, it’s a damn good thing, ’cause he
sure as hell can’t wear glasses!!

When he got home he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, “Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he’s only tried it twice.

The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!”